If we are focusing on intentional interactions with others, it is necessary for us to know what it would look like to succeed at intentionality and what it would look like were we to fail. Today we add the concept of The Crab Mentality. Crab mentality, sometimes referred to as crabs in the bucket (also barrel, basket or pot), is a way of thinking best described by the phrase, “if I can’t have it, neither can you.”[1] The metaphor refers to a bucket of crabs. Individually, the crabs in the story could easily escape from the bucket, but instead they are described as grabbing at each other in a useless “king of the hill” competition which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise.[2][3][4][5] The analogy in human behavior is claimed to be that members of a group will attempt to negate or diminish the importance of any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of envy, spite, conspiracy, or competitive feelings, to halt their progress. – Wikipedia Pushing and Pulling Down So if I am someone who wishes to, at best, lift up someone else within an interaction, I must also know that at the very least my goal is not to pull/push down. Pushing down happens when we are in a better state than the person in an interaction and we choose to put them in a worse position than when we encountered them. Pulling down indicates that we are either in the same position or worse than the person in an interaction and we choose to put them in an even worse position than when we encountered them. Pulling Down is where the crab mentality kicks in. If I am in the same position as someone else, I can do something that helps them up to another level, but it will leave me in the same position as before. I may decide that I do not want to use my opportunity, talents, or network to lift the other person up. I may think to myself that if I cannot have this thing, then why should I lift them up to reach it? However, If my basic needs are provided for and my situation will not be made worse by helping someone else, then Lower the Ladder and Only Lift Up pushes me to do it and to be genuinely happy for the person who got the ladder and the lift. What causes us to want to Pull Down? At the end of the Wikipedia introduction, it mentions envy, spite, conspiracy, or competitive feelings. I like this break-down a lot because it covers the darker side of our motivation fairly well. Envy – a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Spite – a desire to hurt, annoy, or offend someone. Conspiracy – a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful. Competitive Feelings – having a strong desire to win or to be the best. Recap So when I am in the middle of an intentional interaction I must remind myself of my goals: Ensure that I will not be put in a bad position by lifting the other person up. Ensure the other person will not be enabled or pushed down by my well-intended lift up. Lower the Ladder to them so that they can help themselves out under their own power. Empower the other person to rise up a level even if it means they will now be higher than myself. What situations can you see yourself hesitating to help out of envy, spite, conspiracy, or competition? What can be done to prepare yourself to ignore these instincts and follow through with lifting up? Shoulders of Giants (what does this mean?)  Jason Scott Montoya’s blog post called Push or Pull? An Insight To Leading People inspired me to add The Crab Mentality to my philosophy of Lower the Ladder and Only Lift Up.  Image courtesy Half Size Me

My wife and I were finishing up the last of our move from living with family to our new rental home just five minutes down the road. We ran out of boxes and were getting the last items by shoving them into black plastic garbage bags. On one of the trips out to the car, I had a rather emotional moment. I was placing a few of my possessions into a garbage bag and rose, lifting two bags, one in each hand. As I started to walk to my car, I thought about how it felt to be carrying my favorite items in a trash bag. It felt awful. Even though it was me who came up with the idea to use the bags instead of buying more boxes, and even though I was going to a new home of my own choosing just a few minutes down the road, it really felt terrible. Then I remembered something I had seen on facebook, that made me feel a lot of apples-to-apples-empathy with how foster children enter the system. I did a quick search and found the non-profit that was dealing directly with this issue: When most children enter foster care, they receive two trash bags to carry their belongings to their foster home. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3q-dxUmkSs About Sweet Cases Sweet Cases consist of duffel bags filled with hygiene kits, blankets, coloring books, crayons and miscellaneous toys.  These duffel bags are given to some of the 500,000 children newly brought into the foster care system each year, many of whom were previously forced to carry their belongings in trash bags when being shifted from one home to another—sometimes multiple times each year.  By taking the place of a black trash bag, sweet cases help a foster child keep their belongings—and their self-worth—intact. About Together We Rise In 2008, TWR was founded by Danny Mendoza after he discovered that his 9 year-old cousin was living in a car. He wanted to help but ran into obstacles because he was under the age of 21. Danny became disheartened after he was denied the ability to help his cousin and youth like his cousin. Danny then had a vision to create ways to help youth in foster care without becoming a foster parent.  After telling others about his vision, he was inspired by encouragement from friends and colleagues to use his ambition to help others and start a new organization.  Danny’s vision turned reality when he created, Together We Rise,  now a nation-wide organization changing the way youth experience foster care. Why I Believe in This If you have ever heard me talk about my philosophy for intentional encounters, you know that I always attempt to Lower the Ladder and Only Lift Up. This is how I live life and is now the working title for a book I am writing. Lowering the ladder means to help someone out of a hole they are in by adding a tool or knowledge that allows them to get out of that hole under their own power. I believe this is an important part of helping people not become enabled into defeatist behaviors and allows them to feel a sense of accomplishment even though they did receive help getting there. Only Lifting Up means that in every encounter where a need is discovered you are helping that person reach a new level in their life in a way that does not put you in a bad place yourself. If you cannot help the person, then the alternative is to avoid pushing them down by instilling in the conversation a sense of hope and retained dignity. I believe that this non-profit is doing exactly the right thing by providing these children something that both Lowers the Ladder and Only Lifts Up. 1.) The duffel bag acts as the ladder which allows the child experience a very difficult time without also experiencing an unintentional message that they or their belongings are garbage. Because the child carries their own belongings under their own power, altering HOW they carry their belongings can change how the process the entire encounter. If this is the first time they have been in foster care, it may also be the first time they have to put their belongings in a plastic bag and may be the first time they do not have things that comfort them and make them feel human. 2.) The bags Only Lift Up. I can see no way in which this project inadvertently pushes the child down.  They are filled with items that are useful, connecting, and healthy for the children. They do not fill the bags with candy and treats. The bags include: Teddy bear(s) Fleece blanket(s) Hygiene kit(s), including tooth brush, dental floss and small hour glass shaped timer Crayons Coloring book(s) Duffle bag(s) (provided by Together We Rise)  If you would like to contribute you can do so at this site 

As I was searching for a way to trade services or barter with those in my community, I found a site called Simbi. The name is a reference to Symbiotic Relationships: Symbiotic relationships are a special type of interaction between species. Sometimes beneficial, sometimes harmful, these relationships are essential to many organisms and ecosystems, and they provide a balance that can only be achieved by working together. – Sarah Friedl Here is their video: From the Simbi Website: Choose from over 100,000 services On Simbi, you can exchange services with other members or offer to “pay” them for their time using your credits Offer what you love By offering services that bring you joy, our community gives you the opportunity to share your hobbies, skills, and talents in a whole new way. Find symbiosis! Members get to start conversations and propose exchanges. Don’t want their service? Ask to be paid in simbi “” and choose another service you want later. Every deal is a win-win! So I decided to search for my original need, guitar lessons in exchange for something I am good at. I chose the third listing on my screen because the user was in my time zone. In the section where she is looking for services she lists, music & audio, and Art & Design. Because I can offer art and design help I would now be able to trade my time for her time and no money would exchange hands.   So what services could I trade for something in my area that would help out my wife? After a quick search in my zip code, I find Chip who is a licensed massage therapist and lives not far from me. Just like Tehila, Chip is also looking for Art and Design services. So in both cases, I could do something in my spare time to trade for something I want to have or learn. A while back, I was a member of Paperbackswap.com where I would frequently get a rather nice book for about a dollar and a book I was done with. I liked this because paying full price for books doesn’t work well for me and borrowing books to read for leisure from the library almost always results in renewing twice and then paying fines when I don’t have it back on time. Now there is a way to trade exactly what I am good at for exactly what another person is good at. Wish me luck. I will write another blog post as a follow up after I give it a try. If you join with this link, I get some credit on Simbi.  

There I stood, electric hedge trimmers in one hand and a ninety-nine-foot extension cord in the other. On the ground in front of me lay a one-foot extension cord. At this moment I had three items that were essentially useless. There was the hedge trimmer which now had no power, and two wildly different links of perfectly non-functioning cord. Moments before this I was happily chopping away at a holly bush and then when I wasn’t paying attention, I cut into the thing that you should never cut into… the thing that powers you. So let us take a moment and name our players in this tale: We have the Electric Hedge Trimmers which work on the front lines, are aggressive and are seen as being risky and a little dangerous. They see themselves as the only one who really does anything real work around here. If you take an electric hedge trimmer and really look at its design, the cord is not long enough for the trimmer to cut it off. You cannot physically get the cord into the teeth of the trimmer, even if you really pulled it and tried. Without electricity, even if you stuck your finger into the blades, they really won’t do much damage. By itself the trimmer can plug into an outlet, work perfectly, and never cause damage to itself or the outlet. But how many holly bushes are there within the six-inch reach of an electrical outlet? Next, we have a ninety-nine-foot electric cord who works seamlessly with the one-foot electric cord. They work together so well that no one even knew there were two extension cords there. Most of the time, the trimmers see the ninety-nine-foot cord as something that is holding things back and frustrating to have to drag along behind you. The ninety-nine-foot cord has to get the power a really long distance, something that the one-foot cord cannot do. But the ninety-nine-foot cord cannot work with the outlet. There is no interface. Without the one-foot cord, the others cannot do their jobs. Lastly, we have the one-foot extension cord. This guy understands how the outlet works and how to get power from it. He works great with the ninety-nine-foot cord, and for the most part, just tries to stay away from the hedge trimmers. They have been around each other before a few times at parties but the trimmers always seem to forget they even exist. When others do take the time to notice the one-foot-cord they see something that is a little sad and hard to understand. When everything was functioning correctly, it was a perfect line of transport. The ninety-nine foot and the one-foot extension cords were of one mind and the hedge trimmers were getting what they needed to do the client facing action. Then… nothing. No work is getting done. The trimmer is furious. The Gardner is frustrated. Let’s recap the metaphor, shall we? The only thing that actually USES the electricity are the trimmers. The trimmers think they do all of the work and tend to get most of the gardener’s attention. Without the other components, the trimmers can accomplish nothing. If the trimmer lashes out, everyone loses, including the Gardener. We sometimes resent the ninety-nine-foot cord for slowing us down or holding us back We tend to only notice the one-foot cord when it is no longer doing its job. So let us consider our varied roles in our organizations and in our systems. When are you the hedge trimmer? The ninety-nine-foot cord? The one-foot-cord? How does it feel to be in each role? When you are a cord, what makes you feel appreciated? When you are the hedge trimmer how do you approach that role? What behaviors make the system work well from each of the three perspectives? A huge thank you to my friend Erica Marx for helping me crawl through the finish line on this one. She proofed the ending and thought it wasn’t my best work. The new ending reflects her thoughtfulness.

For this week’s Sunday Improv Experiment I will be taking sets of three random words from creativitygames.net, saying what it makes me think of, and then writing a bit of the story behind it. I will state word 1 + word 2 + word 3 from the generator and then = my first thought. Wish me luck! monkey + vitamins + decorator = the statue of willie b at the atlanta zoo When I was a kid, my parents would take me to the zoo. At the time, the most captivating part of the trip was always getting to see Willie B, the Silverback Gorilla. The first time I saw him he was in a cage with only a television and a tire swing. The next time I clearly remember visiting him, he was out in an open exhibit outdoors. I remember thinking how much happier he must be now and why on earth they thought a TV and a tire swing were what a gorilla would want 24 hours a day. The last time I saw Willie B he was a statue as the real Willie B died in the year 2000 at the age of 41. More about Willie B here. knife + teacher + barber = watching sweeny todd for the first time When I first started studying theatre in high school, I got very confused between the play The Barber of Seville and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street  by Sondheim. In my mind they were combined into one story. Now keep in mind I didn’t have an internet to go and check and listening to Sweeney Todd songs, while we read excerpts from The Barber of Seville, only perpetuated the problem. I am fairly certain that my drama teacher could have corrected this any time she wished, but far too entertained by my juxtaposition. It wasn’t until college, when I saw a recording of Sweeney Todd all the way through that this was all cleared up but by then I am sure there were countless confused drama majors that were very frustrated with my explanation. nun + ipad + beast = sally field as the flying nun I watched Sally Field religiously when I was a kid, both in her role as Gidget and as the Flying Nun. I am hearing from parents and teachers that of a lot of children nowadays that only want to immerse themselves in their tablet computers.  It makes me wonder if they would be enchanted by a flying nun? I mean, I remember waiting and waiting in the show until she would finally have a reason to fly, and then… liftoff! Later in life, I saw Sally Field in the movie Punchline with Tom Hanks. She was amazing. Sally Field is a beast. Oh dear. I seem to have gotten addicted to the generator. Here’s what just came out of my brain. herb + ladder + genius = my relatives growing pot in my grandfather’s amongst the tomato plants. backpack + tail + wood = my father being sprayed by a skunk on a backpacking trip and thinking everything smelled like skunk for two weeks after. park + tax + apple pie = as american as apple pie, taxes, and south park.  toy + submarine + coat = the book tintin and red rackham’s treasure had tintin wear a coat and pilot in a submarine shaped like a shark. sunburn + fireman + fact = extreme exposure can cause third degree sunburns similar to those suffered in a house fire. fact. bandit + luggage + junk = stagecoach robbers in 1883 must have hit bust on some of their hijackings, disappointed in the quality of their stolen goods. Happy Sunday everyone!  Photo by Willard

I learned about GOTE in my freshman year of college as I was studying theatre. GOTE, which stands for “Goal, Obstacle, Tactics, and Expectation”, is an acronym devised by Robert Cohen and was introduced as a way to approach playing a character and telling great stories. I took that approach and applied it to improvisation, teaching it in my intro to improv class and using it for team coaching. It was around 2003 that I realized that GOTE had become my way to help others in my life to get unstuck. Goal – What do you want? Do you want to work on Wall Street? Do you want the girl next door to notice you? Do you want to discover a cure for the common cold? Obstacle – Who stands in your way of getting what you want? What stands in your way? Is there a rule that is stopping you? A lack of funds? A leader with a grudge? Tactic – What will you do to get past the obstacle that is in your way of getting what you want? What will you say? What will you do? Expectation – What do you expect to happen if you get what you want? Do you expect to be happy? Do you expect to feel content? Do you expect to feel powerful? It is this basic framework that I have used to help others discover the things that are out of alignment in their life and are causing them to lack contentment. When there is clarity, we can find a clear path using GOTE and begin moving towards real results. But what happens when there is no clarity? What happens when we remove our own clarity? Interestingly enough, getting to your goal is not usually about simply circumventing the obstacles in your life. The biggest eye-opener for those I help usually comes when we get to expectation. Many fail to honestly and rigorously examine their own expectations and decide if they are realistic or if they are perhaps downplayed or heightened. GOTE is used to craft great stories. It is when we begin to tell stories about our GOTE that the problems arise.  When we really try to go about getting what we want, we must remove excuses first because they are the obstacles that exist in the most dangerous of places… our own minds. It is in examining our excuses that we discover the stories we have told ourselves about the situation we find ourselves in may not be the most accurate of tales. We may have assigned someone in our mind as a villain as a way to excuse why we have not gotten where we want to get. We may overemphasize the hold our upbringing has on us, or how much money we might really need to accomplish our goals. When we look at obstacles, people often think they just need to figure out a tactic to get past the villain, but the first step is actually to examine if they really are a villain at all. When we place strong expectations on an outcome, we change not only the obstacles and tactics but we also change the goal. If our expectation is too unreasonable and our goal is therefore much bigger than it needs to be, we may protect ourselves by convincing ourselves that the obstacle is insurmountable. It helps to look at GOTE in reverse. Sadly, ETOG is not as fun to say. Expectation – What is my expectation if I were to get what I want? Is my expectation based in a firm reality? Have I told myself a story that has thrown my expectation completely out of whack? Tactic – What have I really tried to do to get around the things that I believe are blocking me? Am I really seeking to move forward into action in my life or am I lost in the emotions I have stirred up with the stories I have told myself? Obstacle – What is the truth about the things that are in my way? If I remove the obstacles that are not as bad as I told myself they were, will I discover that my biggest obstacle is really my own fear of success or failure? Will I discover that I care for my comfort too much to want to do the difficult things achieving my goal would require? Goal – What is it that I want that I am currently getting in life that is in the way of getting my bigger want? Is my comfort stopping me? Is the fiction I have created in my mind going to dissolve if I attempt to go after it? These ideas, when combined together, allow us to go through our current stories and then go through again and define our realities. Take a moment today and ask yourself… What is my REAL GOTE?  Photo by Michael Kahl on Unsplash

There are times when a hurting or broken relationship could be restored with a simple apology. There are moments when saying, “thank you” for help received, could strengthen trust, and foster a new connection with another. It is in these times that we must make a very difficult choice. Do we stand firm on being right, or do we follow the healthy path and do what is right for the relationship. Trouble is, many of us have not learned the power and value of being humble. We are not willing to make a minor sacrifice of ego or face in order to build something vital and healthy. There are a handful of real and reasonable phrases that proclaim a state of correctness and are unfortunately used as an excuse for not meeting another human being halfway. I have a RIGHT to be upset I DESERVE an apology It is the PRINCIPLE of the matter I am JUSTIFIED in my reaction It’s not my FAULT they are so sensitive In select cases, I have heard others almost saying, “I am allowed” to be in this state. As if they were waiting for an opportunity where the would be justified in a large reaction and letting go of that opportunity is not something they are willing to take lightly. Others seem to be fearful that they will lose respect, status, or inherent value if they were to be the first to admit to how their participation accelerated or heightened the encounter. Some believe that the situation is a win/lose encounter and that if they apologize or give thanks, they will lose and that is not acceptable to their nature. In other situations, people seem to be trapped by their own black and white view of the situation and do not seem to be capable of bending that view easily. Whether it is a choice or a mental block, it is often true that the effort needed to move beyond these thoughts for the benefit of the relationship is not applied and no action is taken for the better. Improvisation has allowed me to understand the power of the apology and the thanks. By giving an apology for my part in things, I do not lose respect, I gain it. By extending my hand first, I am not weaker, I am stronger; nor am I losing, I am winning. By seeking to understand the purpose behind the other person’s actions, I am gaining something of greater value than the opportunity to be right. Once you begin to empathize and apologize or connect and thank, it becomes possible to find a new satisfaction in facilitating healing in the relationship and valuing that above any of the other trappings of our own ego or viewpoint. Try it this week. Meet the other person halfway. Give them an honest show of gratitude without believing you will be weaker for it. Apologize for your part in things without worry that you will lose.  

I began this post with the intention of talking about my new /now page on jimkarwisch.com, where I now list everything that my life is about at this moment. I did a quick hop over to google to find out more about the /now movement and how it started. This led me on a rabbit trail of fascinating information about intentionality and authenticity, which I will share with you now. All of the relevant text is a part of this article so you won’t need to click the links to get the knowledge. This trail can be read from beginning to end here on this page.  Hop 1 > the /now movement What is a “now page”? Most websites have a link that says “about”. It goes to a page that tells you something about the background of this person or business. For short, people just call it an “about page”. Most websites have a link that says “contact”. It goes to a page that tells you how to contact this person or business. For short, people just call it a “contact page”. So a website with a link that says “now” goes to a page that tells you what this person is focused on at this point in their life. For short, we call it a “now page”.   Hop 2 > Derek Sivers- Creator of /now Derek Sivers What I’m doing now (This is a now page, and if you have your own site, you should make one, too.) I’m home in New Zealand, being with my boy, teaching him to read. I was supposed to be in Tanzania for the past three weeks, but I missed him too much, so cancelled my entire trip, including TED. Fair trade. I spent most of the last two weeks learning the C programming language — something I’ve wanted to do for years. Since all the other languages I know are based on C, it feels like learning Latin. Though I like how the great “21st Century C” book compares C to punk rock, and it’s tempting to try using it for my next few projects. (If you know other languages, but were always curious about C, try that book or “Beginning C, 5th edition”.) I’m just starting to learn Portuguese, using Michel Thomas audio, and daily conversations booked with a native speaker through iTalki. There are some other things I’m considering doing, but I’ll update this page when I do them. This update was September 2nd, 2017. Hop 3 > Don’t speak in future tense The challenge: Don’t speak in future tense When I lived in Los Angeles, I noticed they have a strange speaking pattern. Everyone speaks in future tense. (Or, more specifically, present-tense inaction, future-tense action.) “This guy from EMI is interested and going to be presenting it to the VP.” “We’re in talks to do a pilot for the fall.” “I’m getting ready to work on some new material with a hit writer.” Of course these are the things some people have to tell themselves to be hopeful when facing another day of challenges. But of course nothing materializes. You never hear it mentioned again, and you politely don’t ask. (Surprising circumstances always foiled the certain event.) I felt like wearing a t-shirt that says, “TELL ME WHEN IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.” So now when I hear a future-tense sentence, my ears shut down. I’ll say “cool!” and hope it helps, but I don’t believe a word. Try noticing this in yourself and others for a week. Are you speaking more in future tense or present tense? Are they? Remember that announcing your plans makes them less likely to happen. Hop 4 > Announcing your plans makes you less motivated to accomplish them Shouldn’t you announce your goals, so friends can support you? Isn’t it good networking to tell people about your upcoming projects? Doesn’t the “law of attraction” mean you should state your intention, and visualize the goal as already yours? Nope. Tests done since 1933 show that people who talk about their intentions are less likely to make them happen. Announcing your plans to others satisfies your self-identity just enough that you’re less motivated to do the hard work needed. In 1933, W. Mahler found that if a person announced the solution to a problem, and was acknowledged by others, it was now in the brain as a “social reality”, even if the solution hadn’t actually been achieved. NYU psychology professor Peter Gollwitzer has been studying this since his 1982 book “Symbolic Self-Completion” (pdf article here) — and recently published results of new tests in a research article, “When Intentions Go Public: Does Social Reality Widen the Intention-Behavior Gap?” Four different tests of 63 people found that those who kept their intentions private were more likely to achieve them than those who made them public and were acknowledged by others. Once you’ve told people of your intentions, it gives you a “premature sense of completeness.” You have “identity symbols” in your brain that make your self-image. Since both actions and talk create symbols in your brain, talking satisfies the brain enough that it “neglects the pursuit of further symbols.” A related test found that success on one sub-goal (like eating healthy meals) reduced efforts on other important sub-goals (like going to the gym) for the same reason. It may seem unnatural to keep your intentions and plans private, but try it. If you do tell a friend, make sure not to say it as a satisfaction (“I’m going to run a marathon!”), but as dissatisfaction (“I want to lose 20 pounds, so kick my ass if I don’t, OK?”) Thanks to Wray Herbert’s article about this. Also please see this article for more clarification. Hop 5 > Wray Herbert I grew up on the Jersey shore, and besides loving all things that taste and smell of saltwater, I developed an early curiosity for life sciences. In fact, I was originally a pre-med major before my 60’s-style search for meaning and my love of all things bookish drew me into more literary pursuits. I loved school so much that I kept going until I could no longer afford